Losing someone definitely changes your perspective on things. I won’t be a drama queen and pretend that my friend’s daughter who recently died was my best buddy, or that we were super-close, or like family. We weren’t. But the shock of someone so young, so bursting with potential, being here one day and gone the next, punched me in the gut and got me thinking.
Every day, I see so much precious time wasted on petty, stupid, immature crap that doesn’t mean a damn thing. Over the holidays, one of my brothers, whose middle name may as well be “Nitpicking Trouble-Maker”, complained repeatedly about other relatives, as if he deserved a Purple Heart for enduring their company. And as if his own company doesn’t occasionally require a steady supply of Tums and vodka.
I told him that as I get older, I just don’t have the stomach for more fighting, bickering, inflicting pain just because. Now, don’t get me wrong. I will slap someone into next week for starting crap with me. But I have no interest in whipping up drama or stirring anyone’s pot. I prefer to just be left the hell alone.
The most glaring example is Psycho. Her obsession with me has cost countless moments with the kids, when she could have been spending real time with them instead of badmouthing me, grilling them about me and their father, or hunching over her phone to stalk me online. Moments that she could have been a mother, instead of nothing but a jealous ex. Making that choice every day to be the latter, and willingly rejecting the former, is heartbreaking.
I value my time with the kids. I make the most of it. I want to be sure they are getting something meaningful out of it. I barely look at the computer when they are here, and sometimes things go undone because I decide that being with them is more important. I can’t imagine barely acknowledging their existence so that I can devour a blog, no matter whose it is.
That is time Psycho will never get back. That is time that the kids are well aware they are not a priority, or even close. I don’t want to do that to them.
There’s been so much going on lately, it’s almost impossible for me to unwind when I get home from work. I caught myself sitting with my husband the other night, our arms around each other, but my mind wandering miles away, worrying about this, planning that…I thought to myself, “STOP.” Because I need to be here, with him, right now. I wouldn’t ever be able to get that moment back, that loving, tender, gentle moment, just him and me. Why would I want to miss that?
I focused on him. On us. The way it should be.
Everything else can wait sometimes. Otherwise, I am cheating myself of NOW. And I refuse to do that anymore.
Sweat & Sparkle 