Shopping Success

I had firmly decided I will not buy any more clothes than absolutely necessary until I reach my goal weight, but next week we have several important events for work.  I thought it might be nice to have something new to wear, so I hit a few stores yesterday.

I learned two things during this shopping adventure: (1) lordy, designers are churning out some crazy-ugly clothes for women these days, and (2) I now officially wear two sizes smaller than I did when I first started losing weight!

I ended up not buying anything, though I might go back and pick up a nice top I saw at one store but thought cost too much for something that is only going to fit for a short while before it’s too big.  I suppose I could wear the hell out of it and get my money’s worth.  I’ll think about it.

But I still consider the shopping trip a success, because I am excited to be in a smaller size.  The only bad thing is, my favorite pants, my white capris, are getting dangerously too big.  I can almost take them off without unbuttoning them.  I love them, though, and will keep wearing them until they fall right off (or until my husband calls me out on it and tells me to stop wearing gangster saggy pants that are too damn big, which he will do eventually). 🙂

Hate

Someone Who Hates You
Ever since the kids were small, barely able to understand the words coming out of their own little mouths, I have heard “Mama hates you”.

There are many, many things sad about this, not the least of which is the kids’ repeated exposure to their mother’s vitriol and raging immaturity.  But on top of all that, I loudly call bullshit anyway.

I don’t pretend to know Psycho’s deep, dark feelings for me, but I know it’s not hate.  No one continually seeks out who or what they hate.  For example, I hate roaches.  Can’t stand ’em.  I don’t go desperately hunting for them, looking them up online, searching Facebook for pictures of them, talking about them non-stop, asking questions about them, or following them around.  I avoid them.  That is logical.

So no, I can’t buy that a woman who stalks me, follows me, and obsesses over me for over a decade, actually hates me.  That makes no rational sense.  Obviously, she has strong feelings about me, yes, but I believe she reacts so violently because of how negatively she feels about herself in comparison.

I have no control over that.  I am happy with my life, enjoy being with my husband, love my family, love my home, have pride at work, and strive to improve my health.  Should I debase myself to make her feel better about herself?  Hardly.  If she focused even half as hard on her own life as she does on mine, she may not be so miserable in the first place.

I have simply told the kids that it doesn’t matter to me what someone else thinks of me.  It’s true, and it also seems to help them feel better about the nasty, jealous things that are said about me.

I see so much being taught to the kids that is toxic: teaching them to compare themselves to others, to never be happy with what they have, to always want what someone else has, to value material possessions above the people in their lives, to focus on tearing others down instead of building themselves up.  I don’t want that garbage in their heads.  They are better than that.

As they get older, I can only hope they open their eyes to reality and decide to rise above the negativity and drama.  I can only hope they see their dad and me actually enjoying each other’s company, respecting each other, looking out for each other, and that they realize it doesn’t have to be the way they live at their other home.

It motivates me to stay the course and keep working on myself.  I want them to see me working hard for improvements, not being complacent with just putting others down for doing or being better than where I am now.  I want them to see me earning my results, not sitting around waiting for hand-outs.  I want them to be so much better than the examples they are being given by others every day.  I want them to be what I know they truly can be:  so much higher and brighter and happier than where they are forced to be now.

You Could Be Them

Determined

Another weekend gone in the blink of an eye!  I got some sweaty yard done Saturday afternoon, then later we had a fun family night out.  Sunday was a much-needed relax day.

Before Sunday was even half over, I heard one of the kids asking their dad how long it would be before they are back here with us.  I hate how rough all of this is on the kids, and I hate even more that it doesn’t need to be this way.  Not at all.  The only reason it’s so hard on the kids is because other people deliberately and willingly choose to make it that way, and I will never understand that.  Seriously, why bother having kids if you are just going to selfishly force their lives to revolve your pathetic existence?   That’s not parenting.  That’s being a worthless piece of trash.

Parents are the compass that guide us - 2016
Good question…some people should be ashamed of the answer.

Anyway…(*sigh*)…moving on…

The first phase of the T.K.O. Challenge is done, and I updated my stats on the challenge tab of my blog.  I met my goal for the first 3 weeks, and now I have set my 10-pound goal for the next five-week round, which ends October 13.

My weigh-in this past weekend was a good one: 3 more pounds gone!  I’m excited but cautiously remind myself not to get over-confident.  I have a long way to go, and keeping up my momentum and dedication over the long haul is going to be difficult.  I’m determined not to let myself, or my husband or our kids, down this time though.

Flirting and Football

Today (so far) has been a much calmer day.  I feel somewhat caught up at work, which probably means I’m just forgetting something!

During my lunch yesterday, I had to run some errands, and I stopped at a department store to take a break and just stroll around.  When I stopped at the end of an aisle, a male employee smiled at me and said, “What are you looking for, gorgeous?”

I almost turned around to see who he was talking to.  It took me a second to realize he was talking to me.  Maybe he was just being friendly, maybe he was just sweet-talking me so I would buy something, but it still made my day.

I wouldn’t say I never get hit on, but I can definitely say it happened with far less frequency as I gained weight.  This was the first time it has happened since I started losing weight again.  Now, I would never even think of doing anything behind my husband’s back, but it’s still flattering to be noticed and complimented.

Friday night is, of course, football night, so I got up early this morning to work out before work.  I had left my workout clothes and sneakers in the bathroom so I didn’t have to make a bunch of noise, fumbling around in dresser drawers or the closet, so my husband could go back to sleep.

football

My workout is done for the day, and I’m excited for my stepson’s football game tonight.  Tomorrow is weigh-in, and I don’t really know what to expect.  It’s been a busy week, and I haven’t worked out as intensely as I’d have liked, plus I had that day with extra calories, courtesy of potato chips.  Guess we’ll see!

Progress, Not Perfection

Yesterday was a horrible, frantic, stressful, irritating, poo-poo day.  I arrived at work to find a heap of crap that needed my attention, and of course all of it was time-consuming and frustrating to complete.  And the entire day, it was like I had an office full of toddlers, endlessly chanting my name: “Mommy, Mommy, my email doesn’t work!  Mommy, Mommy, is there something wrong with the Internet?  Mommy, I have this weird pop-up on my computer!”

Okay, my co-workers don’t really call me Mommy, but they may as well.  It would be flattering how much they rely on me if it didn’t impose on my time and cause ceaseless interruptions.  I swear, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them rushed to my office because they couldn’t tie their shoes, or because the receptionist is lookin’ at them funny.

All I wanted to do at the end of the day was get home.  I wanted to see my husband, joke about my rotten day, and leave the day’s stresses at the door.

Instead…I couldn’t get home.  I grit my teeth as I inched along in traffic.   I could have crawled home on my hands and knees faster!  It ended up taking nearly an hour and a half to get home.  I found out later it was a car accident that closed the major road, but all I knew at the time was that I wanted to be HOME.

When I finally pulled into the driveway, I was so irritated that I could have yanked off the steering wheel and slung it like a frisbee.  I took a deep breath…then another…then about a million more, because I didn’t want to go inside and snap at my husband and stepson or take it out on them.  What I really needed was a well-stocked bar and a personal masseuse, but I had to settle for deep breaths, then I finally went in.

I wanted to comfort eat.  I wanted to guzzle soda, much on sweet snacks, curl up on the couch next to my husband, and let the hassles of the day melt away.  God, it was so tempting.  I came very close to caving.

But I knew I would be upset with myself for doing that.  I would wake up the next day knowing I had given in to stress and pigged out just because I had a rough day.  Sissy!

I put on my workout clothes, announced to my husband that I was going to work out, then proceeded to do just that.

Yay for me, right?  Well, mostly.  I wasn’t 100% angelic.  My stepson, in an effort to be sweet and helpful, went to the store and got drinks and snacks for the three of us.  I normally don’t like potato chips, but something about barbecue chips just calls my name like they are fortified with crack.  I ate way more of those than I should have, then made myself reluctantly close the bag and put it the hell away.

The good: I didn’t binge.  I worked out.

The bad: the damn potato chips

Bottom line, though, after such an annoying and stressful day, I typically would have overeaten and not worked out.  So the evening wasn’t perfect, but compared to what it could have been, it was a vast improvement.

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