May 2018 – Sweat & Sparkle

The Value of Simplicity

Last night, after procrastinating as long as I possibly could, I finally dragged myself to the workout room and reluctantly hunted online for an exercise video. Ever hear of Jessica Smith? I’ve tried a few of her indoor walking workouts and liked them, so I scanned the titles of her videos on YouTube. One of them caught my eye: “1 Mile Walk and Talk: The Value of Simplicity.”

If you’re looking for a high-impact, intense, leaping-around, sweaty-mess workout, this ain’t it. But it was exactly what I needed last night.

Basically, the Walk and Talk series are low-key workouts, about 15 minutes and one mile long, focused on one topic. They are exactly what they sound like: Jessica talks while you walk together.

I really liked The Value of Simplicity talk. Three of my favorite points from this video are:

Don’t do any program that doesn’t make you feel better. One size does not fit all. Find a program that helps you feel strong and healthy.
Follow one course until success…or failure. If something is not working, let it fail, and find a new course.
Don’t compare someone’s highlight reel to your behind-the-scenes!

I had just mentioned to my husband that I used to enjoy running. Before smart phones, before apps, before Runkeeper, before logging distance to the hundredths of a mile, I liked to just listen to my music, run, and watch the scenery and other people. I liked hunting for great new songs for my mp3 player (how archaic does that sound already?) I didn’t stress about running farther than last time, or oh my god, it took me a few extra minutes to cover that mile. I just ran until I didn’t feel like running anymore, and I called it a day.

Just like Jessica Smith said in this video, if it’s not making me feel better, find a new course. I am not going to track my distance anymore. Sadly, my mp3 player will likely stay in retirement, since my phone can offer up a stopwatch as well as music, but I am just going to run because I want to and not focus on how many miles, how fast.

I am going to take a critical look at everything I am doing and see if I need a new course. The new litmus test: is this making me feel better? If not, it’s time to let it fail and find something new!

Time to Sparkle

Random thoughts pop into my head like wayward Whack-a-Moles, and the other day, while brushing my hair, not really thinking about much of anything, I remembered a birthday years and years ago. A good friend of mine has a daughter who was about 8 years old at the time. When they came over to bring me my birthday present, my friend whispered to me that she didn’t think I was going to like my gift, but her daughter had picked it out, and she had been absolutely adamant that this was the present for me, and couldn’t be persuaded to pick out anything else.

I laughed and opened the box, expecting a goofy, child-selected present like an action figure or candy necklace, but what I saw left me speechless for a moment.

Weeks earlier, I had been at the mall with my friend, and I saw a necklace I adored. It was simple and pretty, a silver chain with a small, shiny, rhinestone cross, catching light and twinkling like a star. I love crosses but have several, so without even pointing it out or saying anything about the necklace, I decided I already have enough crosses and reluctantly left it right there at the mall for someone else to enjoy.

But there it sat right now, sparkling like mad in a gift box in my hand. I looked up in disbelief and asked, “How did you know?”

No one knew what I was talking about. Neither my friend nor her daughter had any idea I had already seen the necklace or that I loved it so much. In fact, my friend was convinced I wouldn’t like it and had tried to persuade her daughter to find something else, but she kept coming back to that cross necklace and insisting that what was she wanted to give me for my birthday. When my exasperated friend asked her why that particular necklace, she answered matter-of-factly, “Because she needs to sparkle.”

I love her answer, and I love the necklace. That little girl has now graduated high school and lives in the Big Apple, and I hardly get to see her. But every time I see the necklace hanging up with my jewelry, I remember being so surprised to see it in that gift box, and how a little girl decided that I needed to sparkle, ha ha.

What does any of this have to do with weight loss? Not much, I suppose, except the reason that memory popped into my head that particular day is that, years and years later, I finally agree with her: it’s time to show myself and the world just what I am capable of when I decide I am going to do something. It’s time to sparkle!

sparkle

Sick of the Fight

A friend of mine wrote something on Facebook today that struck a nerve. Hard. She is also struggling to lose weight, and today she said she gives up. She said she is sick of the fight, doesn’t even like to work out, is tired of counting calories, and feels like she just doesn’t have it in her for this anymore.

It was that last part, not having it in her anymore, that got my attention the most. I feel the same way about the rest of it, too: lord, I’m sick of worrying about tracking every bite in my food diary, tired of trying to find a free minute to work out when I really don’t want to, and so over the weekly face-off with the scale, just to be disappointed most of the time.

But it wasn’t always that way. Hell, just last summer I got my act together enough to drop some serious pounds before our wedding. Why can’t I do it now? Why don’t I have it in me anymore, either? Or do I?

I feel burned out on it all. I don’t want to do it, period. It’s not that I don’t still want to lose weight. I am just over, sick of, worn out on all the little, never-ending tasks and duties and obligations to do it.

I’ve wondered if it is time to just accept myself as overweight. I will answer that very clearly: no, not at all. I know that I am at least 60 pounds too heavy for my height, and that is not healthy, pure and simple. I don’t want to accept that.

It slapped me into a different viewpoint, a new angle. Why not change some things up? I’ve been tracking my food long enough to know, before I eat something, if it fits into my daily calories or not. If it makes me want to gag to log into my food diary even one more time, then why not just stop? Maybe for just a little while, maybe for good, but most definitely for now.

There’s no way around the workouts, though. I work in an office, not a construction site. I am just not active enough during the day to come home and say “Oh well, burned enough calories today! Couch, here I come!” But I can hunt down some new workouts to try, get my butt outside and find new places to walk, maybe start needling my husband and stepson to join me (they will love that, ha ha).

Maybe all this time, my poor body and mind have been saying “For the love of god, make some changes! We are bored to death!” instead of moaning that they give up. Maybe that is why this feels so damn hard. I have responded by trying to force myself to keep doing what has worked in the past, but it’s not working in the here and now. That much is clear.

So I will be making some changes. Exactly what, I am not entirely certain yet. I know I need a break from the monotony of logging breakfast, logging a snack, going back to the damn food diary to log lunch, how many calories are in that salad dressing, damn it’s not in the database, now I don’t know to the hundredths exactly how many calories I consumed, how many calories did that elliptical workout burn, I suck because I didn’t work out today, crap I forgot to log dinner yesterday….

*deep breath*

Yeah, I’ve needed a break from this crap for a long time, because just typing that made me want to delete my food diary account, throw the scale into a dumpster, and set my workout clothes on fire. I need a new mindset, no doubt about it.

Why Do We Matter So Much?

Nearly 20% of yesterday’s visits to my blog were all made by one person. If you’ve been here a minute or two, you already know I have a stalker: my husband’s ex-wife. You won’t be surprised, then, to hear that the person who single-handedly made up 20% of yesterday’s visits was her.

Cue the stalker jokes, jabs at her craziness, pointing and laughing, right? Nah, not today.

I had a nice Mother’s Day. My husband, stepson, and I went to dinner Saturday night to avoid crowds, then I blissfully slept in Sunday morning. When my husband saw me finally stirring, he hugged me, kissed me, and asked what I wanted to do that day. Later, I talked to my mom and joked around with her and got to hear her laugh at my silly (I mean, hilarious) jokes. I had a lot to do this weekend, but I pushed the to-do list out of my mind and just loved the day.

So seeing all those hits from my stalker on my blog made me sad. Why? Instead of appreciating and enjoying the kids on Mother’s Day, Psycho was madly driven to see if I had written anything, desperate for even a faint and tenuous connection to me and to my husband. Instead of focusing on her own life, she had to cling pathetically to mine. Repeatedly, all day, over and over again. Which means that rarely, if at all, did her mind leave me to concentrate on the kids.

Psycho and my husband have been split up for almost twelve years. I’ll say it again: twelve years. No one remains this obsessed, twelve years later, unless she still has feelings for him. Period. There is no other explanation, pure and simple.

And no one would have such a strong infatuation with me unless she is intensely jealous and perhaps wants to be in my place. Curiosity, just wanting to annoy us, or simple, old-fashioned immaturity would have played out years ago.

Why do we matter so much to her?

Her own life clearly isn’t enough to hold her interest. She can’t stop herself from trying to peek into ours. She can’t stop herself from thinking about me, about my husband, about our life together. And all of that matters much more to her than the kids who are right in front of her.

So, no jokes and smart-ass comments today. For once, I am actually not in the mood for it. All I can think of is how the kids, once again, are getting the short end of the stick and paying the price for things that are absolutely not their fault. And how they deserve much, much better.

Miracle

By some miracle, the scale gods were kind to me this morning: a 3 pound loss! I wish I could say I earned it with wise food choices and Olympian workouts, but it was mostly a combination of sheer luck and manual labor yard work projects. Hey, no matter what I owe it to, I will take it!

I know I can’t rely on luck next week, though. I want to build on this loss and let it motivate me for another good one next week.