September 2017 – Sweat & Sparkle

New Start, New Goals

No cold medicine today, and for the most part, I can actually breathe. My coughing has slowed way down too. After work I’m going to try the Country Heat workouts on my Beach Body on Demand account. Ever hear of it? It looks fun, a good way to ease back into working out after being sick.

This morning I printed a workout log to hang on my fridge and track my October workouts. So I have my October workout calendar, with all my workouts mapped out, a workout tracking sheet, and a vow to blog more to get back on track and make my new start in October AWESOME.

I like a road map, plans, guideposts. I would like to lose 10 pounds in October. It will get more challenging over the holidays, but I desperately need to do this. My self-esteem has really taken a beating with failure after failure. I need to quit doing this to myself.

There’s no way I can reach my goal weight by the end of this year. I need to just accept that. So my new target is to reach goal weight by January 31, 2018. That is 17 weeks from today. At 2 pounds a week, that is 34 pounds gone…that would put me at my goal, or crazy close to it, before the end of January.

I still cringe that I let myself gain this weight back. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve done this to myself, or like I didn’t know any better, which is scary to me. How do I keep making the same stupid decisions and mistakes over and over again, when it ends up hurting me so much?

Time to look forward and get excited about my new goals. I need to get my head into the game, deal with where I am right now, and do what I need to do to get moving in the right direction again.

P.S. Last night’s football game was great! My stepson played really well.

October Will Be Epic!

Thank you for the kind comments on yesterday’s blog post! I really needed them. I’m glad I finally wrote out my feelings and only wish I’d have done it sooner.

It might just be wishful thinking, but I am fairly certain that I am not quite as stuffy today. My voice still sounds funny since my throat is rough from coughing, but maybe, just maybe, I might be starting my comeback to relatively healthy instead of looking like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Yesterday I printed out a blank calendar for October and filled in my planned workout for each day. Now, before you get too impressed, it is basically the same workout from week #1 repeated through the entire month, but I made sure to alternate cardio and weight training days, and even added in a few ab days so I don’t conveniently accidentally-on-purpose leave those workouts out.

Tonight I won’t be able to work out because I’m heading to my stepson’s football game. I missed last week’s game because of work (thanks, work), so I am really excited about tonight and blowing what is left of my voice. No one will be able to understand what I’m saying, anyway. My voice sounds like I chewed on barbed wire as a snack.

My office is starting a wellness challenge that begins on Monday. We have to track our workout miles, and then we will add all our miles together on a map we will post in the kitchen, tracking our progress walking across the state. My competitiveness kicked in, and I want to rack up more miles than anyone else! We are counting actual miles from walking and running, and also converting workouts like aerobics to miles too, based on intensity and length of the workout.

And how awesome is it that the month of October starts on a Monday? New week, new month, all at the same time! It’s like the dieter’s starting-over hallelujah. It’s definitely a sign. Cue the angels singing and light beams shining down gloriously on October first! Toss the glitter and the confetti! Applaud wildly!

…or just write this off as the cold-medicine-induced ramblings of a semi-drugged woman with a raging fever.

Either way, Monday is the new start of all new starts, and it is going to be EPIC! 🙂 Who’s with me?

FAIL

I can sum up September in one word: FAIL. I can declare, with all honesty, that I did absolutely nothing right this entire month.

I have now gained 20 pounds since the wedding in July. I could try to blame it on any number of things, from being busy at work, stressing over Hurricane Irma, power being out, clean-up that took two weekends, a huge work event last week, and joy of all joys, coming home from that trip with a nice souvenir: a stuffy nose and a cough.

But let’s get real, those are all just excuses. And I am beyond disgusted with myself. My self-esteem has taken a beating, that’s for sure. I feel self-conscious, because I know everyone who was praising me for my weight loss is now wondering how in the hell I gained so much back, so fast.

The kids have stopped mentioning my weight loss altogether, which upsets me the most. I was happy with how excited and proud they were at how much weight I had lost. I loved when they told me how good I look. Well, what are they supposed to say after I pack 20 pounds back on?

There is no way in hell now that I will reach my goal weight by the end of this year. So once again, I will end the year still overweight. Once again, I will set a new year’s resolution to reach goal weight in the new year. Once again, I have set goals, then failed to reach them.

I want to work on a workout plan today. I want to set up a general workout guide, something like “Monday: cardio; Tuesday: weight training”, etc., maybe a weekly or monthly calendar so I can hang it up and cross off the days as I finish each workout.

I don’t know. I feel a bit lost. I’m so disgusted with myself right now, it’s hard to get started again. I am angry and disappointed and wondering just what in the holy hell is wrong with me.

Facing the Scale

I wasn’t hiding from you guys. My phone went into some sort of coma the other night, and yesterday the Internet was down all day at work. It was a massive conspiracy to stop me from blogging! Or…maybe just an old phone, plus a thunderstorm, combined with a crappy Internet company (looking at you, Comcast).

Did I work out yesterday morning? *womp, womp* Nope! But hear me out. It’s not entirely my fault. No, seriously. My husband was up about 4 times the night before, doing lord knows what, getting water, sleep-walking, who knows. He woke me up several times. I know if I was really determined, I’d have gotten up anyway, but I decided to work out longer tonight to make up for it.

On Saturday, ready or not, I am going to face the scale. I skipped weigh-in last week. I’m dreading it, because I know not only will it be a gain, it will be one of those “OH MY GOD” gains. I can do a lot of damage in two weeks, which is how long it’s been since I last weighed in. I won’t be surprised if I am back over 170, after getting down to 157 before the wedding.

I’m an idiot for letting it go over a month. No doubt about that. I knew better and slacked off anyway. So whatever number the scale gives me tomorrow morning, I earned it, pure and simple. No one to blame but me. I accept that.

I started this journey at 217 pounds, and I never want to see that number, feel that way, or look like that again. I loved the feeling of buying smaller clothes, feeling my body getting smaller, feeling muscle build in my arms and legs. I have come too far to fall on my face now. I can’t give up.

Tomorrow’s number is going to be a slap in my face, but I need it. I need to let that number burn into my brain and say “No more.” It won’t go any higher. I am starting over and heading back in the right direction on this journey, toward my goal and not farther away from it!

But first…I still have to weigh in tomorrow. Blech. I don’t want to, but I will.