February 2016 – Sweat & Sparkle

Last night, like a good little dieter, I packed my nice, healthy lunch…then mindlessly walked off this morning without it. A lot of good my lunch does, sitting in the refrigerator at home! My mind is so scattered and foggy after being sick so long.

This morning I broke down and went to the doctor, which I only do when I am bleeding, suspect something is broken, or feel like I’m dying. I picked up a prescription for antibiotics and took the first dose right away. Hopefully it will kick in soon and help me start getting over this mess!

I am at a spinning-my-wheels stage right now. I wake up with promises, good intentions, and vows, then start breaking them before my breakfast is even over. I haven’t worked out for several days. My eating has been atrocious. Let’s just say today’s lunch included large fries.

A group of friends and I are going to do a weight loss challenge on facebook, just an informal thing between us. I will weigh in this weekend and use that as my starting weight.

At the rate I am going, I will not be at my goal weight this summer unless I stomp on the brakes and get my act together right now. I have a few events coming up this summer, including a family reunion trip to a beach house in August, and I don’t want to feel fat and self-conscious the entire trip. I want to be fit, healthy, and enjoy myself.

Okay, back to the work day, and waiting eagerly for my antibiotics to start working their magic!

I have to admit, I am floundering around, gaining weight, binging, and have no idea why I am struggling so much. But what I do know: some things are simply not working.

I have gained too much weight to be excited about how much weight I can lose by my birthday in April. I have managed to disappoint myself and fail once again about reaching any kind of goal by my birthday. So I deleted the birthday count-down from my blog, and I renamed my Birthday Goal Weight Countdown page to Goal Weight Countdown. I updated the chart with my current weight and new weekly goals.

Even blogging feels like I am writing the same stuff over and over, for no apparent reason. I’m a broken record. I feel like I’m not getting anything out of it right now.

Obviously I have an attitude problem right now, but I don’t know how to fix it. I ate so much yesterday, it’s a miracle I didn’t burst. I can’t keep accepting behavior and choices like this from myself.

I should be so happy. I don’t get it. I just bought a house, and I love it, and I just got engaged to a man I adore. The worst part of this is not really knowing why I am feeling so down. I should be flying high, working toward looking stunning in my wedding dress, loving my new workout room, and here I am, moping around like Eeyore.

It doesn’t help that the kids brought quite the assortment of germs with them while they were home this past weekend. I love them to death, but they have some atrocious habits they have learned at their other home, like never washing their hands or leaving used tissues laying around, and it’s no wonder I catch everything they bring over, from sniffles to coughs to sore throats. I doused the house with disinfecting wipes, but it wasn’t enough: I have been sick for two days. Great!

One thing definitely not working is hiding away, not writing here, even if I don’t feel like it. I can’t open myself up to any support or tough love if I am sulking around by myself, stuffing my face. So here I am, really hoping I can get my act together soon.